Early Man discovered fire. Late Man discovered someone had taken his favorite parking spot.
When my wife complained about my garage rock band, I merely pointed out she enjoyed listening to a symphonic orchestra, and what is a rock band but an orchestra minus the tuxedos, conductor, woodwinds, and talent?
It's hard to understand what children will enjoy. On my nephew's eighth birthday, I took him to the tallest roller coaster in the state. As the ride climbed to its highest point with the entire park spread below, I yelled and waved at him. But he just sat in the car and pretended like he didn't see me up there.
Why am I here? Why not over there?
When my young son's dog Bessie was hit by a car, I told him Bessie went to live on a beautiful farm. I even drove him out in the country, pointed to a farm, and said That's where she now lives. When he asked why he didn't see Bessie anywhere, I told him she was probably hit by a tractor.
Thank God I didn’t know then what I know now.
Love can’t be measured. Unless it’s a fat hooker that’s paid by the pound.
A child’s laughter is music to the ears. Although not if the little jerk just pushed you down the stairs.
I only want the chance to prove I can't handle success, fame, and fortune.
If I had a nickel every time someone called me a smartass, I’d be like, Where the hell is my nickel?
The phrase Love is Blind expresses love and devotion, but certainly not the answer when your wife asks, “Does this dress make me look fat?”
She told him she could never love his cold, dead, fish eyes. Being cleaned and gutted didn’t help.
People say children are our most precious resource. But trade one of them for a beer, and suddenly you’re the bad guy.
She said she wanted to have my baby. I said she could have all three of my kids.
A good friend gives you the shirt off his back. A great friend gives you a boat. Because I want a boat not a damn shirt.
At the start of my career, I asked a wise man for the keys to success. He said there were three: Never give up…
Is it ethical to eat baby carrots?
If I could do it all over again, I'd do it as someone else.
At the black-tie gala, the host arrogantly informed me that my humble background and lack of Ivy League education were not welcome here. I held my head up high, gave him a curt "Good day, sir", took my dog, and left.
Fireman Bob knelt beside little Suzie, clutching her stuffed bunny, and explained to her, No, cats have only one life, just like everyone else.
Dementia is difficult on friends and family, as well as neighbors. That's why I'm patient when the old man is once again pounding on my door shouting gibberish about damp clog parking. Or something like that. Hard to hear over my dog barking.
I told my kids that perhaps they wouldn't get coal in their stockings if they'd quit leaving Santa those yucky oatmeal cookies.
Nothing beats a good old-fashioned neighborhood wife-swapping. I got a motorcycle for mine.
I wrote the note, stuffed it into a bottle, and flung it out, watching it sail end over end in a graceful arc before falling and disappearing. Would someone find it? Would it mean anything to them? The only thing certain was I'd have to watch for that bottle next time I mowed.
If a tragedy is a fall from on high, why was it so funny when my neighbor fell off his roof putting up those Christmas lights I hated?
My cat died unexpectedly. At least it was for him. I saw the car coming.
I believed true love was mine when she whispered a thing of beauty held is dear. I thought she said beer.