Ask Paul

Dear Paul,

At a recent family event attended with wife and family, the subject of proper etiquette was broached. It was one of those dry, stale gatherings that cried out for a lightening of the mood. Being a bit of the family comic, I obliged, leaning ever so slightly in my chair to let one rip. 

My brother, sitting next to me, burst his gut laughing, while the sound of giggles resounded throughout the previously somber room. But oh no, not my wife. Once home, she tore into me like a rottweiler going after a toy poodle. As I calmly explained to her, a little levity does wonders for perking up a dull crowd. I mean, it’s not like her dead Grandmother leapt out of the casket screaming: “Who did that!”

I’m confused. Was I in the wrong here?

• Dazed and Confused

Unfortunately, yes. Not in the flatulence, or the brilliant timing, but you simply didn’t account for the audience. When it comes to fart jokes and farting in general, women are notoriously nose-blind, no pun intended. In fact, a great many women go so far as claiming their gender doesn’t fart, an absurdity any married man of more than two years will grimly confirm.

The setting is everything. What works at the bowling alley, oddly enough, may not resound at your church’s Easter service. A recent example comes to mind. As I stood next to my best friend, he extended an index finger to me, the universally understood “pull my finger” request. So I did, and it was hilarious. But not to his lovely bride. There was absolutely blood in her eyes. Later, my buddy expressed remorse for his actions on the altar after experiencing a less than romantic honeymoon. Should I have ignored established male decorum and left him hanging with poised finger? Possibly.

So, when encountering social situations with dubious expectations, I leave you with this: When in doubt, keep a tight sphincter.